So profound that you, as a boy, were able to do this! Your touching and important story here reminded me that as a 20 year old, I was the last family member to be with a beloved family member before she was murdered (a week after my visit). I had nightmares intermittently for years after that horrific event in which I dreamed that I had somehow accidentally caused the death, and then I would awaken full of malaise before I could shake it off. I finally exorcised this unearned guilt years later (on my own) and the nightmares ended for good.
The human psyche is a complex thing, as you well know. Having the ability to sift and winnow through confusion and pain is something I have taken for granted, but like yourself I have paid dearly for this ability. Thank you for your powerful story!
When you get the time Cynthia, and if it’s not too personal, it would be wonderful to hear your commentary on how you manage to work your way through it and eliminating the nightmares.
Thank you for asking. Upon further reflection, Michael, one positive aspect to eventually come out of this mess actually came from several of my family members either directly stating or vaguely implying that I should have seen the murder coming and somehow I should have also prevented it. It touched a nerve of anger in me and I eventually analyzed that anger and realized that they were projecting their own impotence/guilt/anger with the situation onto me.
My fact-based responses to their unjust and misapplied guilt/shame then became my inner voice: I had no way of knowing or even guessing what would happen; I was a young college student with no personal knowledge of or experience with such violence. One day I countered one of the finger-pointers by asking them: “Ok, assuming you COULD anticipate that one family member would kill another, how would you stop it?” They had no good answer for that as the couple involved in the murder-suicide lived alone and I had had no access to evidence of previous abuse. I realized that I was victimized by the event itself and then re-injured when scapegoated by others for the horrendous mess. I learned that I had to find my ‘voice’ and use it to have my own ‘back’ when no one else did. This is a lesson I still struggle with on occasion, but less often as I have gained clarity and insight over the years which helps me cut through the crap faster and with greater accuracy. I learned that my holy threshold consists of the verdicts of my own mind, and no one gets free access to that.
I appreciate this so much. Even in your response are some answers why people project shit, that kind of introspection can be can of worms that scare the hell out of people, afraid to find the real answers and afraid of what that would require of them, bravo. "I learned that I had to find my ‘voice’ and use it to have my own ‘back’ when no one else did." Gold.
Having good integrity is probably the most important thing in your life to maintain. A clear conscience. It’s good to inspect your soul once in a while. Thank you Michael, excellent article.
Having good integrity is probably the most important thing in your life to maintain. A clear conscience. It’s good to inspect your soul once in a while. Thank you Michael, excellent article.
Wow Micheal, that is so amazing, and I did that last year and I went to the "wilderness" where I was without distractions and spent 6 months doing it. Of course, I was in my 6th decade, so I had so much more to look at and unpack, I suspect. It worked to clear so much but brought me to my knees and to the end of myself over and over again, so not to be taken lightly. Your amazing art is so beautiful, dear man, and evoked much emotion in me. Thank you so much!
"Going into the wilderness and being brought to my knees" is looming for me, as soon I find the courage. Or get kicked out by life itself. Whatever comes first.
The key is to look at it from a curiosity standpoint and without judging yourself. It is what it is right now. And it happened. And so you can change it. Love yourself is so easy to say and for most not simple but 100% worth it. And it all starts with understanding yourself. Great article.
Thanks ER. Mirroring your comment, the legendary opera singer Leontyne Price, my favorite vocal artist, often mentions when asked about advice to young singers is "To love your voice."
I have been trying this for years now through the practice of non-dual self-enquiry. And it was useful and helpful. But every now and then deep emotions of sadness, shame, guilt and self-hate flood me and it is very difficult to not identify with them and judge myself negatively as a consequence. I also have a sense that these deep emotions - no matter how painful they are - need to come out. There is almost a longing for it. But, hearing you, I wonder if I overly attached to something negative and painful and justify it by believing that pain is necessary to become happy and content. I am confused about that now.
From my understanding shadow work is to openly examine one’s dark side. I understand it through art exploration. But going deep enough brings one to life and meaningful work as ends in themselves.
If it helps to come closer to the life you wish to live, use these emotions as fuel. If “necessary to become happy” is a learned belief, you ask yourself where you picked it up. Many believes made sense at some point in time, and often wear off as we grow or walk through life. And some believes we never question, although we should. I for example don’t believe they are necessary. I think we can learn from some things without experiencing them by ourselves ( for example finding out wether fire burns my skin). Some life lessons come back as pain and suffering. If this is the case and nothing changed except me, well I guess I’m part of the problem and therefore also part of the solution as can change my behavior. The way we call things and judge them counts a lot. It gives things meaning. If you treat them neutral as they are without judging it, their impact gets smaller. It’s trying to get a rational view as early as possible. It’s like. Xyz happen. Ok. Now what can I do xyz doesn’t happen again? And what else? And so on. I hope it helps :-)
What great, inspiring story and rough journey. I'm sure this article will reach those people who need the most and also act as reminders for those who have forgotten self worth and self love. Thank you for sharing this with me! Remember to stay strong and be kind to yourself.
Thank you ER. I think I understand what you are saying and these are pretty much the tools and practices that I am using and, over all, I am living a stable, "successful" average life, do some good occasionally and fuck up occassionally. However, I don't feel I live my full potential spiritually because it is not expressed in meaningful, loving and peaceful work or pursuits. That's why Michael's life story touched me so much. I feel I could be someone that adds value, beauty, love or peace to the world and other people's life but I fail miserably in that. I cannot even create a loving harmonious family situation. We tick along but it is far from inspiring.
Somehow I wonder if more emotional catharsis, which I can foster or not, would open up more energies towards being more loving and creative.
This is beautiful, Michael. I love that you were able to take that time-out with yourself and really connect with who you know yourself to be. ❤️
Ah, thank you Jacqueline!
So profound that you, as a boy, were able to do this! Your touching and important story here reminded me that as a 20 year old, I was the last family member to be with a beloved family member before she was murdered (a week after my visit). I had nightmares intermittently for years after that horrific event in which I dreamed that I had somehow accidentally caused the death, and then I would awaken full of malaise before I could shake it off. I finally exorcised this unearned guilt years later (on my own) and the nightmares ended for good.
The human psyche is a complex thing, as you well know. Having the ability to sift and winnow through confusion and pain is something I have taken for granted, but like yourself I have paid dearly for this ability. Thank you for your powerful story!
When you get the time Cynthia, and if it’s not too personal, it would be wonderful to hear your commentary on how you manage to work your way through it and eliminating the nightmares.
Thank you for asking. Upon further reflection, Michael, one positive aspect to eventually come out of this mess actually came from several of my family members either directly stating or vaguely implying that I should have seen the murder coming and somehow I should have also prevented it. It touched a nerve of anger in me and I eventually analyzed that anger and realized that they were projecting their own impotence/guilt/anger with the situation onto me.
My fact-based responses to their unjust and misapplied guilt/shame then became my inner voice: I had no way of knowing or even guessing what would happen; I was a young college student with no personal knowledge of or experience with such violence. One day I countered one of the finger-pointers by asking them: “Ok, assuming you COULD anticipate that one family member would kill another, how would you stop it?” They had no good answer for that as the couple involved in the murder-suicide lived alone and I had had no access to evidence of previous abuse. I realized that I was victimized by the event itself and then re-injured when scapegoated by others for the horrendous mess. I learned that I had to find my ‘voice’ and use it to have my own ‘back’ when no one else did. This is a lesson I still struggle with on occasion, but less often as I have gained clarity and insight over the years which helps me cut through the crap faster and with greater accuracy. I learned that my holy threshold consists of the verdicts of my own mind, and no one gets free access to that.
I appreciate this so much. Even in your response are some answers why people project shit, that kind of introspection can be can of worms that scare the hell out of people, afraid to find the real answers and afraid of what that would require of them, bravo. "I learned that I had to find my ‘voice’ and use it to have my own ‘back’ when no one else did." Gold.
Thank you for your hope-inducing comment.
Brilliant advice! 🙏🏻💜💫
Thank Demi. And thank you for adding to how I can best share.
Thank you @Elliot Murray for restacking.
Having good integrity is probably the most important thing in your life to maintain. A clear conscience. It’s good to inspect your soul once in a while. Thank you Michael, excellent article.
Thank you so much Charlotte!
My pleasure Michael! 💖
Having good integrity is probably the most important thing in your life to maintain. A clear conscience. It’s good to inspect your soul once in a while. Thank you Michael, excellent article.
Wow Micheal, that is so amazing, and I did that last year and I went to the "wilderness" where I was without distractions and spent 6 months doing it. Of course, I was in my 6th decade, so I had so much more to look at and unpack, I suspect. It worked to clear so much but brought me to my knees and to the end of myself over and over again, so not to be taken lightly. Your amazing art is so beautiful, dear man, and evoked much emotion in me. Thank you so much!
"Going into the wilderness and being brought to my knees" is looming for me, as soon I find the courage. Or get kicked out by life itself. Whatever comes first.
The key is to look at it from a curiosity standpoint and without judging yourself. It is what it is right now. And it happened. And so you can change it. Love yourself is so easy to say and for most not simple but 100% worth it. And it all starts with understanding yourself. Great article.
Thanks ER. Mirroring your comment, the legendary opera singer Leontyne Price, my favorite vocal artist, often mentions when asked about advice to young singers is "To love your voice."
She's right :-)
I have been trying this for years now through the practice of non-dual self-enquiry. And it was useful and helpful. But every now and then deep emotions of sadness, shame, guilt and self-hate flood me and it is very difficult to not identify with them and judge myself negatively as a consequence. I also have a sense that these deep emotions - no matter how painful they are - need to come out. There is almost a longing for it. But, hearing you, I wonder if I overly attached to something negative and painful and justify it by believing that pain is necessary to become happy and content. I am confused about that now.
From my understanding shadow work is to openly examine one’s dark side. I understand it through art exploration. But going deep enough brings one to life and meaningful work as ends in themselves.
If it helps to come closer to the life you wish to live, use these emotions as fuel. If “necessary to become happy” is a learned belief, you ask yourself where you picked it up. Many believes made sense at some point in time, and often wear off as we grow or walk through life. And some believes we never question, although we should. I for example don’t believe they are necessary. I think we can learn from some things without experiencing them by ourselves ( for example finding out wether fire burns my skin). Some life lessons come back as pain and suffering. If this is the case and nothing changed except me, well I guess I’m part of the problem and therefore also part of the solution as can change my behavior. The way we call things and judge them counts a lot. It gives things meaning. If you treat them neutral as they are without judging it, their impact gets smaller. It’s trying to get a rational view as early as possible. It’s like. Xyz happen. Ok. Now what can I do xyz doesn’t happen again? And what else? And so on. I hope it helps :-)
Beautiful Painting and excellent advice.
What great, inspiring story and rough journey. I'm sure this article will reach those people who need the most and also act as reminders for those who have forgotten self worth and self love. Thank you for sharing this with me! Remember to stay strong and be kind to yourself.
Thank you Victoria!
My Pleasure, Michael!
Your "goodness" makes me cry. I can't help it. It melts my cold and injured heart.
Thank you ER. I think I understand what you are saying and these are pretty much the tools and practices that I am using and, over all, I am living a stable, "successful" average life, do some good occasionally and fuck up occassionally. However, I don't feel I live my full potential spiritually because it is not expressed in meaningful, loving and peaceful work or pursuits. That's why Michael's life story touched me so much. I feel I could be someone that adds value, beauty, love or peace to the world and other people's life but I fail miserably in that. I cannot even create a loving harmonious family situation. We tick along but it is far from inspiring.
Somehow I wonder if more emotional catharsis, which I can foster or not, would open up more energies towards being more loving and creative.