Finding the Good Within

Metaphorically Taking a Tropical Waterfall Shower

I've been reading a lot of posts that a lot of people are coping with handling their fears and self-doubt. When I was very young, eleven or younger, I went through a mental crisis by myself. Questioning if I was a good person, or perhaps even evil, I locked myself in a bathroom for 3 or 4 hours, trying to cope with the mental pain of psychological introspection that was way beyond my capacity of understanding.

For instance, there was a boy my age who swore a lot and said "shit" all the time, and I never did that. I didn't get in fights, and I was never a bully. I always did my best in the things I wanted to do, and I simply refused to do things that didn't appeal to me.

The thing was that I felt something was evil in the air, either in me or something around me. Without going into any detail (and I don't want to upset living members of my family), there was some alcoholism and bullying that occurred, as well as one attempted murder on my life staged to look like an accident! But as a young boy trying to sort through all this stuff, I didn't have a crystal clear understanding of hatred from others.

Separating the Wheat from the Chaff

For those 3 or 4 hours, I went through every single thing I could think of that I could have done that was evil. At the end of this excruciating mental examination, I concluded that I was a good person and that I was deserving of love. I also came to the conclusion that whatever this evil feeling was, it was something outside of me, and I would be on the lookout for it. Since that fateful day, I've never felt fear of pursuing anything, and I've always felt worthy of respect. I still continue to correct my projects for weaknesses, trying to turn them into strengths. To this day, deep in my heart, I know I couldn't do any better than what I was and am doing.

Years later, when I heard stories of children committing suicide or taking the blame for actions of evil people and being damaged for life, I realized they didn't go through this introspective process like I did when I was a boy, and that could have very well been the difference between fearlessly pursuing your potential or feeling undeserving.

Over the following decades, I did seek mentors and some mental counseling when I came across puzzles I didn't understand. And I have done a handful of things I regret and wish I could have been wiser at the time, but I don't try to whitewash them from my consciousness. The key thing was I had and have a belief in my goodness in a fundamental way.

I think asking yourself if you're deep down a good person and honestly reflecting on your responses will open issues to understand further. And when you come across nebulous areas of your psyche, ruthlessly unpack them. If you do find areas where you are cheating yourself and others, own it, and take steps to clean up that shit. It will make you feel like you have just taken a shower in a tropical waterfall!

Newberry, Synergy, 1999, oil linen, 82x66”.